Subject: Re: Hmmmm....
Date: Sat, 31 Aug 1996 12:41:12 -0700
I've been noticing a problem I have with internal considering. I know that self-remembering is the only way to fight it, but when internal considering strikes, self-remembering seems to shy away. If I try I wonder if I am even self-remembering at all, or if I'm just fooling myself.
I don't know if you chose the name you're using or not.
It comes from some interesting stories about what happens when you live in hell -- which includes lots of internal considering ;)
One of the stories says that you cross the river Styx -- which means hate -- to get in: hence the term Stygian.
One of the lesser known parts of that old teaching was that you had to drink from the waters of one of the other four rivers that surrounded hell -- Lethe, the river of forgetfulness. Sometimes I think that the main thing that's forgotten is that there is any place besides hell ;) So most teachings about the inner life make a big thing out of remembrance. Because every time we fall asleep and go back to hell the first (and hardest) thing we get to do is remember that we know something besides hell: self-observation, self-knowing and Self-remembering.
Remembering is hard and takes a lot of practice. But that doesn't give any clues about the source of the difficulty, does it?
Most women carry purses. How many forget them consistently? Most men carry wallets. How many forget them consistently? Most smokers rarely forget their cigarettes. Yet we have an incredibly hard time remembering to observe self and to observe inner considering and to remember Self. Do you suppose that it would be easier to remember if we valued it more?
Strange that I find myself full of nervousness (almost like a fear) of teenagers. Especially because I am one. Perhaps because I'm a 'puter geek. =/
Fear is the state of being when one is in hell.
All the lower states are degrees of fear, just as the higher states are degrees of confidence -- and all are measurements of the degree of love vibrating through the energies one plays with.
Anger is really fear. If I weren't afraid that you could take something from me or harm me somehow, I wouldn't bother to threaten you. Insecurity is fear. Guilt is fear -- the fear that I won't learn and will do that stupid thing again. Boredom is fear -- the fear that it will always be just as dull as it is now. Just about every word we have for emotions is a means of describing the precise degree of fear that we are experiencing right now. We have a few words for feelings that are about confidence -- but they cover lots of ground and have few synonyms, because we don't experience confidence much.
Most of our so-called confidence is really anticipation-anxiety (another word for fear) -- the belief that something wonderful is about to happen, and the fear that we might be wrong, or that we might do something to mess it up, or that circumstances or someone else will mess it up for me. So we get excited about the future instead of confident in the present -- and we call that a high state of being.
Confidence is not the certainty that everything will work out just about the way I want it to. It is about the certainty that whatever comes up, I can handle it -- I am not a victim, ever. Computer geek is a fancy word for the role of victim if that's the only role I play. Personally, I play the role of computer geek every now and again -- it pays the bills. Self-remembering allows one to play any role and know that it's just a role, and drop it at any time and play another (perhaps contradictory) role that's more appropriate for the present circumstances. That's not all Self-remembering is, but it certainly allows one to never buy that the role I'm playing is ``me.''
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